Chapter Nine

THE teens have been called the "dangerous age" by many sociologists and child psychologists. They see the teen-age years as an age of rebellion against authority, of unbridled energy and emotions.

Many psychologists have little understanding of the basic principles of dealing with teen-agers. What's more, they know little of how a teen-age mind works.

Today many throw up their hands in utter amazement and frustration when their child reaches teen age. Why should this be?

Do you know how to help your teen-ager? How can you "reach" him? How can you earn his respect?

Why does he not confide in you? How can you win his confidence? And just what mistakes are you making right now that are driving your child farther away?

Young men and women have been given no purpose for life, no real training, no discipline, and precious little love, attention and interest from their parents.

Yet they are your children or your neighbor's just down the way. They live on your street, in your city -- now! They will certainly affect your future. They are the leaders of tomorrow. And all too often, as the grisly crime statistics indicate, they are the murderers, the muggers and the rapists of today.

Increasingly, law enforcement officials have come to realize that the parents of these lawless children are often the chief culprits. A sheriff's officer said: "The real trouble here is that too many parents don't know -- or don't care -- where their children are at night."

In an article on juvenile drug addiction in the Reader's Digest, the authors stated: "Virtually every official we talked with emphasized that the ultimate cure for the teen-age drug menace lies in the home, the neighborhood, the community ... Lieutenant Norbert Currie, head of the San Francisco Narcotics Squad, put it succinctly: 'We are never going to lick this pill and glue stuff until parents really care about the youngsters'" (June 1966, p. 70).

It's time parents everywhere woke up!

If you are a parent, then you have a God-given responsibility to teach and train your children. You also have the opportunity to make your family life a thing of joy and productivity -- enriching your own life immeasurably and preparing leaders for the world tomorrow.

Every child needs BOTH the proper discipline and the positive teaching and admonition of the right way of life. Parents have a responsibility to teach and to train. In the early years of life, children need more training and discipline as they are unable to understand much teaching at this time. But as the child continues to grow older, parents need to continue to train through discipline while consistently bringing in more positive teaching. The older child and teen-ager needs to be continually taught, and thoroughly instructed in the right way of life.

If a parent neglects this proper teaching he will soon find his discipline not doing the job it should. If, on the other hand, he neglects the proper discipline of a very young child and tries to do it all through teaching, he will find himself on the short end as well. For the child will be unruly, and unresponsive to the teaching. The child will not SIT STILL to listen to the teaching given to him. Thus the parent will be headed for many problems and trials with his child.

Your children are constantly being exposed to worldly habits and teachings. Through other children -- especially teen-age children -- the world has inroads into your family.

You send your child to school at six years of age. He may be well disciplined and taught to sit still. He may be well behaved and mannerly in almost every way. But then he begins to learn through sight, sound and the bad examples of others around him. He soon learns the dirt, filth and smut of this world. He also sees the unruliness and rebellion that is evidenced by many in his own class. This exposure is a constant form of teaching -- a bombardment which very few are able to resist unless their parents come to their aid with constant right teaching.

As the child gets older, he or she learns many dirty jokes in school, is exposed to the theory of evolution, hears curse words, erotic sayings, and many other things that appeal to his human nature. Little by little YOUR child is being influenced from a right way of life to a wrong way. Little by little the insidious, cancerous growth of worldly attitudes takes hold of your child's mind. Soon the once sweet, innocent little child you had now becomes a DIFFERENT person.

Many parents exclaim, "Why, I don't even know my child anymore!" Why does this parent not know his teenage son or daughter anymore? Why is it that when the real attitude of this youngster is shown the parent is frankly shocked?

The simple answer is this: The parent has assumed that once he has taught his child to sit still, come when called, answer "Yes, Sir" and "Yes, Ma'am," he has done all that is necessary as a parent. Thus his child comes into the home, sits at the table when he is told to sit, gets up when he is told to get up, and answers his parents with respect. But what else is going on in his mind the parents do not know.

Year after year the child is bombarded with wrong thoughts. He is put under pressures, frustrating circumstances in school life. He is either ashamed or afraid to talk it over with his parents. And many parents do not encourage their children and teen-agers to talk their problems over with them. The parent is too busy -- he has done his job -- he has taught the child to sit still, come when called, answer with respect.

But there is much more to child rearing than that!

Most parents do very little teaching of their children. It is much easier for some to spank than to teach. Many parents don't realize they cannot deal the same way with their child for the rest of his life. They cannot understand that spanking ALONE is not the answer. Spanking will have very little effect on a child who has passed the age where he will repent through physical punishment. At this point most parents throw up their hands and say, "What's the use? I can't do anything with him!"

How is your home life? Do you really know your teenager? Oh yes, many THINK they do. But do they? Are you sure you know what is in the mind of your youngster?

Many parents never take the time to talk with their children. They have their own pleasures and activities to do, television shows to watch, and business to take care of -- so they have no time to talk with their youngster. They don't know what's going on in his mind. They are not aware of the various problems he is facing at school or the frustrations which may be in his or her mind.

How many parents devote a certain amount of time EACH DAY to talking with their children?

How many times has YOUR teen-ager come home with a serious problem on his mind -- actually wishing to talk it over with you -- and you gave him no opportunity to do so? How many times after a date does a daughter come home wishing to talk with her mother about certain things, yet she is partially ashamed or afraid to do so and is never given the opportunity?

Do you ask your teen-ager what happens at school each day? Do you take the time to find out what they have been doing? Or where they have been? Or with whom they have been associating? Do you ask them certain questions to get their point of view on life and its problems? Not in a prying grill session with suspicion in your voice -- but an open, friendly, warm and loving INTEREST.

The Bible is full of examples on how to teach your children -- even what to say. Many parents never realize that they are put in the Bible to teach the parent how to teach his own child.

Here are some examples of proper teaching of children.

Notice Proverbs 4:20. "My son, attend to my words; incline thine ear unto my sayings." This is an example of a parent talking with and admonishing his own child. The parent asks the child to listen, to pay attention to the teachings he is about to hear. In the next few verses we find the things the parent should teach the child. He also tells the child the advantages of paying attention to the things he is about to be taught (verses 21-22).

Then the parent goes on to give the child these various admonishments: put away a fro ward (wilfully contrary, not easily managed) mouth and perverse lips, look straight ahead (concentrate, don't be easily distracted), ponder ("look before you leap" -- think about what you are going to do BEFORE doing it) the path of your feet, and don't turn to the right or to the left from your goal (finish the job you start). These are SOME of the things you should be teaching your children! (Verses 24-27.)

Notice how many times the Bible gives examples of a parent teaching his child to heed his words.

In Proverbs 5:1 we read, "My son, attend unto my wisdom, and bow thine ear to my understanding." Again in Proverbs 6:20, we read, "My son, keep thy father's commandment, and forsake not the law of thy mother." Again, "My son, keep my words, and lay up my commandments with thee. Keep my commandments, and live; and my law as the apple of thine eye. Bind them upon thy fingers, write them upon the table of thine heart" (Proverbs 7:1-3).

So we see in these various examples how the wise parent goes about teaching his child. He talks with him, instructs him in the right way of living.

Every parent secretly says: "My son, if thine heart be wise, my heart shall rejoice, even mine" (Proverbs 23:15). Also, "My son, be wise, and make my heart glad, that I may answer him that reproacheth me" (Proverbs 27:11). Every parent is glad when his son or daughter does well in life. No parent wants his child to be foolish, cause destruction and bring on a bad name.

"A foolish son is the calamity of his father" (Proverbs 19:13). But there is a way to avoid this calamity.

But HOW does one teach his son to be wise?

How much teaching and training is needed on the part of parents to counteract the foolishness of this world?

"The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame" (Proverbs 29:15). Many parents do just that. They do not ask their children the proper questions or take an interest in their daily activities. They leave them to themselves!

"A wise son maketh a glad father; but a foolish son is the heaviness of his mother" (Proverbs 10:1). How true! It is the dream of every parent to have his son or daughter grow up to be respected and liked, to be wise and understanding, and to make a good name for himself. Perhaps the only reward a parent gets in child rearing is to see his son or daughter become a success in life.

But a foolish son, as the proverb says, is the "heaviness of his mother." He brings shame, heartache and headache to his parents. For a parent there is no worse feeling than failure with his children. To sit back and watch your children reap harm from the things they sow is painful indeed. To see your children suffer for things you have neglected to teach them is agony.

This does not have to be!

Many are encouraging their children to be foolish. Some parents think it is cute or smart when their child misbehaves. They laugh at the wrong things the child does. This encourages the child all the more in foolishness.

Another way parents contribute to foolishness is to encourage laziness and slothfulness in their children. Many parents never give a child an assignment or work to do around the house.

Many mothers never have their daughters do anything around the house. And if they do, it is only a very small task. It seems mothers have a hard time teaching their daughters to cook, sew or clean house. Many mothers say it like this, "Oh, well, it takes her so long. It's so much trouble to teach her that I would rather do it myself." Yes, this is the common attitude. But in this case the mother is concerned only with herself. She is not concerned with her daughter's development.

Thus many girls grow up not knowing how to cook, sew or do housework. Many grow up with no idea of how to manage a home. It is the daughter who suffers. But the fault lies with the parents -- especially the mother.

Today's society in America, Britain, Australia, and South Africa contains many career women. The term "professional" seems glamorous to women. Somehow they feel a career outside the home is very important. So they farm out their children to day nurseries while they pursue their careers.

Samuel G. Kling, a divorce lawyer, says woman's "emancipation" is a major reason why many marriages fail.

"Today the very word 'housewife' is an apology. Not to have a career is considered unglamorous and unattractive. There are books by the thousands telling her how unfulfilled she is. No wonder modern women quail at the thought of just being a wife!

"Before women were emancipated they settled more or less happily for being wives and mothers. It was their destiny, and in most cases they accepted it. Not always, of course, and not always happily. But in any case they knew that this was their career. A girl didn't have to waver all through high school trying to decide for which career to train. She had a definite and tremendously important place in society which satisfied her ego and gave her most of the fulfillment she needed" ("This Week" magazine, November 20, 1966).

Prior to school a child spends many hundreds of hours under the direct supervision of his mother. In infancy much of his time is spent in his mother's arms. She coos, talks to, and cuddles him.

As the child grows older he is with his mother every day while his father is at work. His mother has a tremendous influence on him. She teaches him proper habits, cleanliness, discipline. More than anyone else at that tender age her supervision over him is of utmost importance. She sets the stage for future habits in his life.

Properly carried out, her discipline can help ready her child for years to come. Wrong rearing makes it twice as hard for the child later on.

Children will either love and respect their mother and her authority or will come to relegate it to insignificance -- or worse yet, despise it.

In later life, a daughter must have the proper example of her mother to follow. A teen-age girl must learn how she is to fulfill her place in life in just a few years -- perhaps at age 23 to 25. "Mother" has to teach her all the basic things that she will need to know.

Another way parents encourage foolishness in their children is by not knowing what's going on. In many cases everyone knows but the parents. One example: A boy was smoking and almost everyone knew it except his father and mother. They had no idea their son was smoking. Yet it was common knowledge among all the teen-agers. And through them other parents knew.

Why were his parents in the dark? Why were they the last to find out?

The answer is simple.

They never asked! Had his parents asked him, the boy may have readily admitted he smoked.

Are you afraid to ask your child?

When parents never ask, it encourages more foolishness. Children begin to think their parents don't care. They then think their activity is none of their parents' business. Since their parents do not care to know, they feel that the parents have no right to know. One girl made the statement about her DATING HABITS, "What they don't know won't hurt them." She was speaking of her parents.

[Editor's Note: Ambassador College publishes an attractively printed booklet entitled "Modern Dating." This booklet is a must for children about to enter teen-age. It provides basic guidelines in dating. Every parent and teenager should read it.]

One foolish move some parents make is this. They brag about their children's smart-aleck remarks and arguments. Many times teen-agers talk back to their parents. They come up with a "smart" or "clever" (but rebellious) remark. Parents become proud of their child's "genius." This is sheer folly! Being so "proud" of their child, they neglect any punishment. What kind of reasoning is this?

There are many ways in which parents can help their children and teen-agers. The most important underlying principle is that you come to know your children -- and that they know you.

This can be accomplished in several areas, which will be discussed briefly. All require your time and effort. But it is effort enjoyably spent; it is effort which becomes an investment in the future success of your children.

Here are some ways to make your children's and teenagers' lives abundant and happy.

Build the habit of playing regularly with your children and sharing with them many hours of good times. Often, children will deeply and long remember the fact that their father used to take them "piggyback" and laugh and romp with them on the floor. This type of activity, kept in right balance and without undue roughness, can establish a sense of rapport and closeness with your children more quickly than almost any other type of activity. Having family card games, monopoly, croquet, ball games -- these are all things to introduce as the children's ages permit.

Then, on weekends and vacations, family picnics, hikes, hunting and fishing trips, camping out or going to the cabin will be an experience your sons and daughters will always remember.

You fathers need to teach your sons to do masculine things -- to hunt, to fish, to take care of themselves in the woods and in many other circumstances. Teach your sons to speak like a man. Teach them to think like a man and to work hard, perspire, accomplish and produce, and not be a coward. Teach them to be self-reliant, not pantywaists or effeminate creatures and candidates for some type of institution.

If you orient your children's play and activities around the family -- allowing them to bring in one or two other children of good character on occasion -- this alone will prevent a great deal of the tendency toward carousing and juvenile delinquency into which so many unattended children fall. And you will be establishing a closeness and contact with your very heritage which will enable you to guide their lives for many years in the future.

You're working under a big handicap if one parent is missing.

But it's not so big you can't overcome it with a little thought and wisdom, and a lot of patience.

Let's assume the mother (since this seems to be the most general case) is trying to rear her children without a husband present. Perhaps there has been a separation, a divorce, or even a death.

She ought to realize, then, that the basic environment for the home is missing. She ought to take whatever steps possible to remedy that lack -- where those steps are right and good.

What if you have growing sons, and they have no father to be with them, to give them of his masculine personality, his male interests and ways of doing things, his discipline?

You should use real wisdom. Think about your situation. Do you know some of the close friends of your children? Do you know their parents? Is it possible for the father of a neighbor boy to include your boys on an outing just once in a while?

What about the local YMCA? They have arts and crafts classes, swimming classes and the like which are usually (but be mighty careful to make sure) run by a competent man in the field.

What about summer camp? Ever think of sending your boys to one of the many healthful, wholesome camps where rigorous outdoor activities are offered?

And, finally, what about being a little more active yourself? Get interested in some of the activities, sports, hobbies that would appeal to either sex. Don't run the risk of letting boys become "mother-dominated" or begin to mimic or unconsciously take on only feminine characteristics.

Take them hiking where possible, with groups of friends where you, their mother, are along. Take them picnicking, bicycling, horseback riding, swimming. These are activities that many men and women enjoy with equal relish.

Look around at your environment and your locality. Look at your home life. Do you spend too much time looking at TV? Too much time with other women? Do you spend time feeling sorry for yourself instead of being really absorbed in rearing your children properly?

Can you improve your situation? Based upon a right knowledge of marriage, is there any chance for a reconciliation with the father of your children? Think about it. Realize what a handicap it is to attempt rearing children without a father around!

Fathers should sit down regularly with their children, at least a few times each week, and study with them and explain to them important principles of successful living. Read chapters of the Proverbs -- explaining how to apply the wisdom contained in these pages. Inspire them to want to make a success of their lives and build the very character of God. Have father-son or mother-daughter talks with them, telling them about your past life experiences and lessons which you hope they will not have to learn personally by suffering as you did. Teach them positive principles of success and happiness.

Teach your children basic things -- honesty and integrity, the value of hard work and productivity. Teach them never to lie nor be deceitful. Teach them to respect and value human life -- to be careful in their own playing, swimming and driving so that you will never have to have a funeral ceremony for your own child! Explain this to them heart-to-heart -- and make it meaningful.

Teach your children -- as they get up toward the fourth, sixth and eighth grades -- to read newspapers and magazines, to be aware of what is going on in the world. Teach them to read worthwhile books on geography, history, the biographies and autobiographies of great and successful men, etc. Inspire the right kind of ambition and desire for success in your sons and daughters.

Take time to go over with them certain outstanding articles in various magazines and newspapers you may read regarding principles of life and success which you want your children to know. Teach them wisdom and balance in applying these things. Remind them, for instance, that many multimillionaires would give all they had simply to have one happy marriage. Teach them that the grasping, clawing, greedy, competitive way of getting ahead is not the real way to permanent happiness and true success. But do, in right balance, inspire them to develop their minds, bodies, personalities and characters so that they may be productive human beings and leaders as God directs their lives.

Your children and teen-agers will never forget this kind of teaching, training, love and inspiration. It will be a help and have an impact upon their lives which will last not only through this age -- but through eternity. And that is a fact.

Father MUST be the head of the home. There is no substitute for this primary requirement. If the father is not the head of the home then none of the other rules used will really work. (However, if the father is not at home, then the mother must assume the role of head of household. This is a big handicap, as mentioned above.) Children must see and experience proper government in the home. They learn the proper respect for government through their home.

The man must be the dominating personality and force that stands for the right way in the family. He also must take a very active and intense interest in the children. This point cannot be over-emphasized. Every man needs to examine himself and make sure that he is doing all he needs to be doing to be the head of his house. He needs to be the head of the house in SERVICE and LOVE, as well as in authority.

Warm and loving family fellowship is a major key in the development of a child's sense of security, a balanced personality and positive approach to life. Every family should talk, laugh and share their lives with each other at all times -- and especially at mealtime. Having "family" meals is certainly a great asset in the development of your children. Here, indeed, is an opportunity to talk over with the children the events of the day.

Ask Johnny: "What did you learn in school today?" And show yourself interested in his answer, in his analysis of the events of his life. Learn to know who your children are associating with and what kind of people they are. In a positive way, not picking and nagging, guide your children to choose right companionships, to play games in a positive manner without fighting and quarreling, and to develop habits for success in their future lives.

Learn to listen to your children talk. Notice their voice inflection, their personality and the enthusiasm -- or lack of it -- which they convey. Then try to guide and encourage them toward further development, making sure that you set the example above all else. For children will follow your example more than anything else.

Learn to laugh with and love your children deeply. Share with them the knowledge of their origins -- the type of people their great-grandparents and grandparents were, how you yourself grew up, and things that will give their lives a sense of continuity and purpose. Although you should always retain proper dignity as the parent and leader of the child, you can certainly joke and laugh with and bring out his personality and give him confidence in the family situation more than in any other.

Have a close family life. Dinner time can help. There is nothing like a family eating its meal together to bring about a close family life. This provides an excellent opportunity for parents to get to know their youngsters. They can ask them about problems at school -- daily activities. This is a vital part of family life. Don't neglect it!

Encourage loyalty to the family. When a child loves and respects his family -- has a loyalty for it -- he will not want to bring shame or problems upon the family. He will watch his conduct, being loyal to his parents' teaching so that it does not reflect upon his parents or the family. He will do what is best for the family. He will try to please them. Right loyalty to the family unit is indeed a very precious and worthwhile thing. Parents should cultivate more loyalty in their children.

Teach your children responsibility while young.

Millions of modern children grow up without ever being exposed to the discipline of work and productivity. In their idle hours they develop countless wasteful and foolish habits. And they never develop the habit of work and success in this manner.

Teach your children the habit of work.

Even in the city, children can be given many things to do if you properly organize them. Your boys can mow the lawn, rake leaves, shovel snow, carry in wood and kindling for the fireplace and even help with the vacuuming, washing and scrubbing of the floors. Your girls can regularly help do the dishes, clean the house, polish the furniture and other similar chores. Each child should be taught to keep his own room clean, to make his own bed daily, and to be responsible for putting things back where they belong and organizing his things throughout the house. This will give each child a sense of responsibility and accomplishment and may help more than you can imagine in the future success of your children.

Today's children are encouraged to neglect responsibility. The philosophy of the educational systems of this world is to remove all responsibility from the children, giving them a free hand. Children are shielded from responsibilities today.

Children of all ages should have responsibilities at home as well as at school. Too many parents neglect this phase of their children's training. It is good for a child to have responsibilities around the house. It is necessary for that child to fulfill them! This teaches him responsibility. It disciplines him at the same time.

You should give your children and teen-agers certain assignments -- routine work that they are required to fulfill. This teaches self-discipline. In doing this work your child will assume responsibility. He will exercise self discipline. As he grows older he should be able to assume more responsibility. These responsibilities should start small when he is young and increase as he grows older.

Numerous men desert their families each year. They leave their homes -- lose themselves in society. They never had responsibilities. When married they could not cope with them. Many who stay with their families are dominated by their wives. Their wives take the responsibility for the family. Had these men learned responsibility as boys, this tragedy would not have occurred. To a degree the blame lies with their parents.

Why go out all the time? Too many teen-agers today feel they cannot have a good time unless they "go out." This is wrong! And the parents do nothing to counteract this feeling.

There are many things a teen-ager can do at home. Parents should strive to provide a happy atmosphere -- a "good time" at home. Your teen-agers don't need to always "go out" to have a good time. But sad to say, most parents make no effort to have fun in a family unit. And this is essential! There are all kinds of family games that provide "at home" entertainment.

Today most teen-agers think that a date is not a date unless they go to a drive-in movie and neck. They feel their date is spoiled if their parents are anywhere around.

Why this attitude?

The answer is that they have been taught to think like this. They want to do things that are not lawful. Their minds are on the foolishness of this world.

Encourage your teen-agers to be with the older men and women you know to be of sound character. They can gain much valuable experience in an enjoyable atmosphere and get their minds on more serious and more edifying things. If fathers will include their sons in mutual activities, the sons will gain valuable experience and maturity. Thought this association with older men they will come to learn, and to love and respect their father even more.

To be wise, walk with wise men. But many consign their boys to association with only other "kids." These parents push them into foolish contacts with other teen-agers. Include your youngsters in discussions with older, wiser men!

The same goes for young ladies. Your teen-age girls should be included in conversations -- encouraged to associate with other ladies.

The Bible gives us this principle: that the aged women "may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed" (Titus 2:3-5).

Teen-ager girls should learn from older women about homemaking. They should learn how to be good mothers and wives!

Many people train their dogs far more than they train their own flesh and blood! They will spend literally hours teaching their dogs to sit, to heel and to respond to commands. Yet practically no time is given to teaching their own children similar habits of obedience.

As a parent you have both the responsibility and the opportunity to teach your children not only obedience and the respect for the rights and property of others, but to teach them personality development, proper culture, and the importance of self-discipline and study. You have in your own hands the potential leaders of the world tomorrow. It all depends upon how much time and effort you are willing to put into training them.

All children are potentially juvenile delinquents! It is a matter of disciplining and teaching them the right way. This kind of loving correction is something that gives a child -- all psychologists and psychiatrists to the contrary notwithstanding -- a deeper sense of security and balance in his mind and personality than he will ever get by any other method.

So be sure that you make this matter of family teaching and discipline an important part of your family's life. Teach your children not only to control themselves physically but to control their tempers -- control their thoughts and guide them away from competition, greed, violence and envy, and from foolish daydreaming and lust. Teach them to think positively, to live positively.

Don't be afraid to tell your children what will happen if they will not obey. Sometimes parents know their children are not doing what is right but they are afraid to tell them.

Why should parents be afraid of their own children? Why not call your teen-ager aside -- have a good serious talk with him. Why not "lay it on the line"? Tell him just where he is headed if he will not obey. Tell him who is the head of the house. Let him know what his obligations are. Make him understand. Explain thoroughly.

They should know this: Although their parents may not have done a perfect job in child rearing, they -- the teen-agers -- will be responsible for their own deeds. They themselves will have to answer for what they do. It's time for them to sober up and face the facts.

Many are in their last couple of years in high school. How many of them have concrete plans for their future? For many it is merely a vague idea. Some think "maybe" they will go to college.

Some hide behind the high school cloak. It is their protection from responsible thinking.

Have you asked your son or daughter what he or she plans to do upon graduation? Will you let them drift along until the last few weeks of their senior year in high school -- then try to rush them into something?

Only the basic principles and a few examples have been covered. It is up to you to apply them in the countless situations that arise in the home.

Remember, knowledge is of no value except as it is applied. Read this material several times. Think of how its principles apply to your situation. Then, use the principles consistently in your family circle. Keep it as a guide, and a manual. Refer to this material whenever a special problem arises. Reread it occasionally as time passes. Your children will, of course, become older and new problems may arise.

May God give you the wisdom and judgment, the patience and the love you will need to guide you in one of the most important responsibilities of life -- rearing your children!

-End-