Chapter Six

TODAY, Americans laugh at the antics of children of the "Dennis the Menace" type. It seems we believe that boisterousness, interference by little boys and girls in the activities of adults, presumptuousness and rudeness are funny.

Have you noticed the "Smart Alec" child? Have you noticed how many children will boldly interrupt their elders' conversations, demand loudly to know, "Where are you going?" or "What are you doing?" or say, "Hey! You!" to the postman?

How many children have you seen who "talk big" and "act big" and receive praise and glowing flattery because of it?

Many seem to delight in a little child acting "grown up." It is "cute" we seem to think, for a little child to use big words, talk up boldly to his elders, and become the center of attention in every group. But in reality, it teaches children to feel as equals toward their elders -- to disrespect the conversations of those who are their superiors -- to be rude, brusque, and presumptuous.

Let's use our minds! Is it really "cute" for a little toddler to walk boldly up to an adult chewing food, and demand loudly to know, "What are you eating?" Is it really "cute" for a tiny boy or girl to walk boldly into the midst of a group of adults conversing together, and interrupt their conversation -- becoming the center of attention with some quip or "cute saying"? Do postmen, milkmen, workmen and visitors really think it is "sweet" to have your little children demand their attention in a loud and noisome voice?

Of course not! It is embarrassing, frustrating and bothersome. No milkman wants to loudly tell your child to SHUT UP. But he is probably thinking it. None of the guests in the restaurant in the scene already described had the courage to speak up and tell the little child to shut up and sit down. But dozens of them were grumbling under their breath about it. No guest in your home will answer to your child's demand to know what they are eating that it is "none of your business!" But they will probably wish they could.

Do you begin to see? It is not "cute" or "sweet" to permit children to mimic the abominable practices our depraved society seems to laugh at in the comics and TV today -- it is the exact opposite. Check these tendencies in your children.

Teach your children to show respect to any and all elders. Show them how others, whether workmen, delivery men or guests are superior to them -- that they are older, mature, responsible. Explain to your children that they are just little children.

What is a child's status?

That of a child!

Can we learn this simple truth? I have heard parents say they would never talk any of this syrupy "baby-talk" to their children. Their children were going to sound like grown-ups. What a pity! Is it a crime for a child to BE a child, to act like a child, and to be treated like a child? Is it more proper to solemnly shake your little toddler's hand, while sternly telling him you are "pleased with his performance" or to catch him up in your arms, kissing him all over his face and neck, and roll around on the floor with him in playful fun?

Pity the child made to act "older" by naive parents who think it a shame for a baby to be a baby, a child to be a child.

Let your children be children! Teach them their status. It will not give them an inferiority complex.

For an example, let's think of a child riding with his parents in a car. He has a healthy curiosity, of course; and this should be encouraged in the right way -- but channeled and guided, nevertheless. Suppose he should realize you are looking for a parking place. What if he sees a place across the street, and, leaning over the back of the front seat, loudly says, "Daddy! Turn in here."

Here is an opportunity to teach your children a vital lesson. It is not necessary to completely squelch all initiative, or to take all spontaneity and enthusiasm from children, but it is necessary to teach them the proper relationship to their elders and their parents.

Here is an opportunity to teach such balanced relationship. Teach your child he or she is a passenger. Explain why you can't park in the place across the street, and then tell the child that when he is riding in the car he does not assist in the guiding, driving and manipulation of that car. Tell him that Daddy is doing the driving. Explain it. It will be really GOOD for your children to realize you are in control. Explain to your children they should be observant passengers -- but passengers, nevertheless. As silent observers, they can appraise the driving, they can watch their father's actions at the wheel -- but they should never be permitted to presumptuously try to control those actions.

Make your children realize their status. Make them realize there are many things they can learn from their elders. Make them respect those in authority over them. Treat them like children -- not equals!

I'm sure you have seen little girls clopping along the street, wearing their mother's high-heeled shoes, or a big hat, and carrying a big purse, haven't you? Surely you've seen little children try to mimic their parents' habits, or their dress, and their mannerisms.

Perhaps this is harmless enough -- and certainly not necessarily that which would warrant a spanking (unless, of course, the child has been forbidden to take such articles, or has on her mother's best things, and is being totally presumptuous and careless with them!) -- but it does illustrate a potential danger nevertheless.

Today, the trend seems to be to hurry the "growing up" process in children. We want to hurry them into school, hurry them into adult clothing styles. In turn, we see mere youths wanting to hurry into marriage -- worried about a tottering civilization closing in on them, stripping from them the years of happiness they had envisioned as growing youths.

This is a trend! Clothiers and designers have helped it along by providing tiny replicas of adult-style clothing for little children. You've heard it a hundred times. The grandparents, or the relatives, or the guests in the home would say, "Why, he's a real little MAN!" as they exclaim in pleased tones about the complete little suit the toddler is wearing, replete with necktie, tie pin, and all the requirements of adult dress. Or, "What a BIG boy you are now!" they bemusedly exclaim to Johnnie as he strolls by in his adult-appearing clothing. Or, "What a regular little LADY," they say of the little girl, wearing clothes styled just like mother's.

But no -- they are not big men and ladies -- they are little children. It is right to compliment a child within reason (remembering not to flatter, or give a child a sense of vanity about his appearance) but NOT to imply he is older than he is, more mature than he is, or that he is anything other than just what he is -- a child.

There is nothing embarrassing about being a child. There is nothing wrong with being a child. There is nothing shameful about being a child. Let your little children BE little children. Don't hasten them into adulthood too soon.

But don't go to the opposite extreme, and try to treat growing, strapping big boys and girls of early teens like little children. Treat them just like they are -- as growing boys and girls in their teens, whose bodies are maturing, and whose minds still need a great deal of guidance and control.

No one needs to encourage a child to talk baby talk. But you certainly should not, in the beginning of his speech training, go to the opposite extreme, teaching him to talk like the head of the Supreme Court. Do not try to mold and shape your children merely for the sake of the vanity of the parents.

Now let's notice a few more examples of how to teach your children some of the vitally necessary habits they should learn to really be in their correct status as children.

I remember one occasion when my son, Mark, who had behaved inconsiderately in the presence of guests, was taken to his room and placed in a chair. I placed him firmly in the chair, knelt down and told him, "Mark! You are to sit in this chair and not move until I speak to you -- is that clear?" "Yes, sir!" he answered. I retired to the living room, and we continued our visiting. However, I forgot all about Mark, until over TWO HOURS LATER! I was deeply ashamed of having forgotten him, and, suddenly remembering I had not yet given him permission to move from the chair, rose hurriedly and went into his room. There he was, curled up in the easy chair, sound asleep. He had stayed in that chair-had gone to sleep -- because he had not yet heard permission from me that he could arise.

One major pitfall with this particular habit which needs to be taught young children is this: Many parents attempt to enforce such a habit only when friends are visiting, or when in a public place. Parents try to get a child to sit still in church, for instance, who was never made to sit still for any period of time during the other six days of the week. One problem many parents seem to face is that of having children who increasingly "act up" and put on their "very worst" only when guests are present, or when they are in a public place.

Notice what really lies behind such actions of a disobedient child.

"Where did the child get the idea he could do anything he pleased when discipline was hard to enforce? Search into the past and you will see. Extensive observation has shown me that parents who invariably cannot control their children on special occasions never really control them at any time" (Hohman, op. cit., p. 38).

Any parent who is making a constant display of spanking his children in public, in a restaurant, or in church, while attempting to get the child to be quiet and sit still, is merely advertising that the child has never been taught to do these things at home. Teach your child to sit still at various times during the day for periods of five to ten minutes, or even longer. On occasion, have your child sit still, allowing him to look at a picture book, or color, or some similar pursuit, for as long as an hour or longer. In this way, you can begin to instill a vitally important habit in your child at a very early age.

There are all sorts of the "grandparent" type of excuses for a child's not obeying his parents in sitting still. Young parents are told their children just "can't" be made to sit still for long periods of time -- that their little bodies are filled with energy, that they must fidget, squirm, change positions, jump and run almost constantly.

Don't believe it. Children can and should be trained how to sit still in certain circumstances. Begin to teach them at home.

No child should be taught to be quiet all the time. Any child should have an opportunity to yell, to make various childlike noises, to laugh and to play boisterously with other children. However, unless you have taken the pains to teach your child to sit still and be quiet in the house on occasions before important guests come, or before you go to a restaurant to eat, or before you take the child to church -- how can you expect him to learn the first time in such circumstances?

Such teaching takes concentration and real attention to duty on the part of the parent. The parent cannot give the child a command, and then dismiss the child and the circumstances from his managing on about his own pursuits. On many occasions, I have seen similar circumstances develop where parents will give the child a command to sit still and be quiet. However, because guests are present or the parent is watching an interesting TV show, or has his mind on other things, he soon forgets what he told his child to do -- and the child, willing to "try out" his parents to the absolute limit of their endurance -- has long since gotten down from his chair and is now just as noisy, if not noisier, than he was before.

Teaching children should not merely be "keeping them out of your hair," "getting them out of your way," or "keeping them occupied." Too many parents today seem to regard their children as little "house-apes" or a "ball and chain."

In order to teach your child any of these constructive habits, you will need to apply constant diligence and never-failing attention to duty. You simply cannot expect to have decent results if you just give your child instructions, and then forget all about the lesson -- letting the child get down from the chair when he decides, put up his toys when he gets around to it, or begin to talk when you have told him to be quiet.

If you tell your child you are going to spank, deprive him of privileges, or punish him in some other way for infraction of the rules -- carry out your promise!

How can your child ever learn to trust anything you say -- if you do not even carry out such simple promises?

Surely, if you have promised your child a trip to the zoo, a picnic or an outing, or some type of a reward, the child is going to fully expect you to be true to your word. In like fashion if you have promised your child a spanking or other due punishment as the result of an infraction, always be faithful to your word -- and carry it out.

For example: Father puts little Johnnie in a chair when guests are present and says, "Johnnie -- sit still, and do not speak again or I will spank you!" After a few moments of conversation, the parent happens to notice that Johnnie is busy talking or making other noises. He looks at Johnnie warningly, with a ferocious scowl. Johnny notices the look, and his talking or noise making subsides to a surprised whisper -- and gradually diminishes altogether. The parent goes on talking with the guests, feeling the situation has been met, and that Johnnie has been silenced again. However, he is going to notice more and more frequent infractions -- until, finally, he will have no control whatever over Johnnie -- unless he is true to his word and always spanks when he has promised such a spanking.

There are thousands of parents today who kid themselves they are doing a perfectly wonderful job of child rearing. And yet, they almost never spank their children after only ONE infraction -- they almost never follow up their instructions, carry out what they say, or teach their children positive habits of obedience. To be sure, they DO spank their children. They do give their children plenty of orders and commands. But their inconsistencies, their broken promises, their simple neglect of their children is leading toward disaster.

In order to teach your child these basic right habits, you must do it unfailingly, persistently, diligently, consistently -- or all your efforts will be of no effect.

Should children actually be seen, and not heard? The surprising and perhaps "old-fashioned" answer is yes. They should be seen and not heard unless their elders speak to them first. They should be taught to be quiet, reserved, and respectful around their elders. They should be taught to sit quietly and obediently in a restaurant, on a bus, on an airplane, or whenever told to do so.