Chapter One

WHAT IS A CHILD?

"CONGRATULATIONS! say all the friends, relatives and greeting cards to the beaming parents. And what a tremendous moment it is -- bringing a newborn child into the world -- introducing him around.

And what a responsibility. Youthful couples, carefree and unencumbered, suddenly become aware of a great responsibility.

Countless thousands of little babies are carried into homes where exists the naive assumption that all the knowledge and understanding necessary for the care and training of children has come to exist automatically by virtue of the arrival of the infant.

There are many mechanics, engineers, artists or musicians today who are competent in their fields merely because they had the tools, machinery or instruments near them as a part of their environment. Many mechanics are grown-up boys who began "tinkering" with machines and automobiles -- learning by trial and error -- taking them apart and seeing how they were put together again.

This, sad to say, is the identical type of training course pursued by most parents in the art of child training. Simply because the baby is near at hand, and is now a wanted or unwanted inheritance of the family, parents blithely assume the child will develop just as they desire.

"Competent parenthood is looked upon generally as a sort of magic endowment that makes study unnecessary. No grasp of the responsibilities and no vision of the great possibilities are considered essential when entering the career. Sometimes there is no special desire for children -- merely a lucky accident ... No special thought is given to the new character problems that arise from day to day. No plan of action is outlined" (Leslie B. Hohman, "As the Twig Is Bent", New York, The Macmillan Co., p. 2).

What, then, are the new parents to do? From all sides comes the hue and cry that the oldest profession on earth -- that of rearing children -- is facing abysmal failure. There are seemingly countless books on child study, child feeding and care, child training, child rearing, child psychology, and just about "child-everything." The parents are assured that NO ONE today really knows how to rear children properly. Where are they to turn? The books, articles, and other trivia dealing with the subject are confusing, to say the least.

And so -- where does the parent turn to learn of this strange new life, this squirmy, wriggling, crying, giggling, tiny reproduction of themselves?

Observe a marvelous "mechanical brain." Here is a phenomenal machine, filled with thousands of miles of intricate wiring, complete with a control panel so dizzying, so technical as to stupefy the average layman. However, in observing how this machine functions, a little of its outward looks, and watching one or two repair operations, one of the laymen takes it in his head to write a book advising other laymen exactly what this machine is all about.

But wait! WHICH would you rather read? The book written by the recent observer -- or the MANUAL published by the inventor and manufacturer?

Has NO ONE ever thought of going to the INVENTOR of children? He is God!

"And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth ..." (Gen. 1:26-28).

Yes, difficult though it seems to be for the most "modern" to accept the amazing truth that God is Creator -- the existence and the work of the Divine Architect stand clearly proved. (Write for our free booklet "Does God Exist?")

God did not leave His creation in the dark. He then "... commanded the man" (Gen. 2:16), giving him certain specific instructions on how to live.

God gave to man a manual, a textbook, an instruction book on how the human machine works. Since God is its Creator and its Inventor, God is the One who knows exactly how it operates. God gave to man certain essential knowledge -- which man could not have otherwise discovered for himself. The Bible, the inspired and holy Word of God, is the most basic of all books on the subject of how to rear children.

What is the best source for right knowledge about child training? The "manual of the Inventor" -- the inspired Word of God -- your Bible!

This question is asked -- and richly deserves to be answered -- simply because, by their actions, it seems many do not honestly know. All too often newborn babies, and especially firstborn, are treated as if they were "little green men from Mars." Is it any wonder? There seem to be more "rules" written about this squirming infant than can be perused in the average lifetime of a normal adult. "Do this!" or "Don't do that!" is heard from every side.

The newcomer arrives as a total stranger. According to usual procedures, the father has been allowed brief glimpses of his progeny through the double-thick glass of the maternity ward in the hospital. But now he is home. All of a sudden, it seems, your entire home life is completely topsy-turvy. Every sigh, every chuckle, and especially every CRY from the new arrival sends your little household into a veritable frenzy. There are bottles to be carefully sterilized, formulas to be mixed, schedules to be met, diapers to be folded and carefully stacked, room temperatures to be checked, plus morning, noon and nighttime feedings.

This is all too often the normal procedure -- the accepted routine in the arrival of a first child.

But let's clear the air and come down to earth. Rather than treat the new arrival as something made of fragile glass, let's get a true perspective, and realize JUST WHAT A CHILD REALLY IS.

First, he is a human being. He is a miniature copy of yourselves. He probably has, though it is sometimes undiscernible at such an early stage, your own looks, your very own nature, your voice, and some of your talents. However, he is also an INDIVIDUAL with a mind definitely all his own.

Let's go to the MANUAL of the Inventor -- the inspired Word of God -- and see what He says a child is.

"What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him? For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honor" (Psalms 8:4, 5).

A new human life is made in the exact similitude of divine life! God said, "Let us make man in OUR IMAGE"! But so far God has made man merely a physical replica, and far from an exact copy of God in character.

"O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me ... For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether ... For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast knit me together [margin] in my mother's womb. I will praise thee; for I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which day by day [margin] were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them" (Psalms 139:1, 4, 13-16).

One of the greatest blessings God ever promised some of His patriarchs was the blessing of children! Abraham, BY FAITH, waited many years for a son. All of the promises which God gave to ancient Israel had to do with the begettal of healthy children. God says:

"He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord" (Psalms 113:9).

"Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate" (Psalms 127:3-5).

Children are PRECIOUS, priceless gifts from Almighty God to any parents!

What a pity that more parents today do not understand the REAL miracle of childbirth, and give God thanks for it. A child is the sweetest, most lovely and beautiful, altogether most exciting and completely satisfying thing that can happen to a young married couple who are truly in love.

God says: "Blessed is every one that feareth the Lord; that walketh in his ways. For thou shalt eat the labor of thine hands: HAPPY shalt thou be, and it shall be well with thee. Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table. Behold, that thus shall the man be blessed that feareth the Lord" (Psalms 128:1-4).

What, then, is a child? A little baby is an exact reproduction of the two parents, a separate human being, who is a completely lovable, laughable, sweet little creature, that will steal your heart and your reason, bring you heartache and tears, exultation and pride, anxiety and worry, happiness and joy, but who will teach you the real meaning of the word "love."

Should you expect this little reproduction of yourself to be hateful, rebellious? Is it merely a phase when children have temper tantrums, shouting defiance at their parents?

Many modern books available on child psychology will group children, according to various ages, into certain "phases" or "stages" of growth and development.

For a general view of these patterns, let's notice the following quotation:

"Our observations of child behavior have led us to believe that almost any kind of behavior you can think of ... develops by means of remarkably patterned and largely predictable stages.

"Knowledge of these growth stages can help you a good deal and in a great many ways. To begin with, it can give you an idea of what to expect" (Francis L. Ilg and Louise Bates Ames, "Child Behavior", Harper, pp. 3-4).

Let's notice the symptoms of some of these supposed "predictable stages."

"The eighteen-monther walks down a one-way street, though this one-way street can be readily reversed. And this street more often than not seems to lead in a direction exactly opposite to that which the adult has in mind. Asked to 'come here, dear' he either stands still or runs in the opposite direction. (He may even like to walk backwards.) Ask him to put something in the wastebasket, and he is more likely to empty out what is already in it. Hold out your hand for the cup which he has just drained, he will drop it onto the floor. Give him a second sock to put on, and he will more likely than not remove the one which is already on his foot. His enjoyment of the opposite may be the reason why it works so well, if he is running away from you, to say 'bye-bye' and walk away from HIM. Then he may come running. Not only does he not come when called -- he seldom obeys any verbal command. 'No' is his chief word" (ibid., p. 22).

To state the "eighteen-monther" does all these disobedient acts simply by virtue of being 18 months old is simply not true!

The 18-monther will do these things only if he has been left without any supervision, has never been trained, never been taught the meaning of obedience, and has been turned out to "pasture" like any animal, rather than reared by his parents.

Let's really understand.

By having already carelessly assumed any means of punishment or control over a child to be harmful, some child psychologists have laboriously catalogued the "behavior" patterns of children -- by merely observing them.

They have, instead of training the children, seeing how positive methods of real teaching, instruction and discipline will work, merely "observed" the little children much in the same manner as watching monkeys in cages. They have busily made notes, and collected sage observations. As a result of these widespread "observations," the modern child psychologists have carefully documented certain definite phases in the actions of children.

Let's notice carefully, however, that these phases are merely the inevitable reactions of untrained children, undisciplined children, who have been OBSERVED instead of trained. Tell a dog which has been trained to "come here" and it will obey. Give a horse a command when it has been trained, and it will obey. BUT, some child behaviorists assure you that you cannot expect such obedience from the infinitely more intelligent, far superior human mind.

My own 18-monthers, when asked to "Come here, dear!" -- came here! When asked to put something in the wastebasket -- they immediately put it in the wastebasket. When holding out my hand for the cups they had drained, they immediately gave them to me. Given a second sock, they always put it on.

Why?

Simply because they had been patiently TAUGHT to do these things.

Later, the authors of this particular work, in breaking down the supposed "stages" through which all children are to pass, said this of 2 1/2-year-old children:

"TWO AND A HALF YEARS: This is an age about which parents may need warning because so much that the child now does naturally, almost inevitably, is directly contrary to what his parents would like to have him do. The 2 1/2-year-old is not, temperamentally, an easily adaptable member of any social group.

"The change in behavior which takes place between two and two-and-one-half can be rather overwhelming, perhaps to the child as well as to the adults who surround him. Two-and-a-half is a peak age of disequilibrium. Parents often say that they can't do a thing with the child of this age ... First of all, a two-and-a-half-year-old is rigid and inflexible. He wants exactly what he wants when he wants it. He cannot adapt, give in, wait a little while. Everything has to be done just so. Everything has to be in the right place he considers its proper place. For any domestic routine, he sets up a rigid sequence of events which must follow each other always in the same manner."

Here we are assured the little, tiny toddling two-and- a-half-year-old human baby, a very sweet and lovable little reproduction of our own selves, is just BOUND to act in this prescribed fashion, simply because he has reached one of the "steps" along the ladder of life -- the "stage" at two-and-a-half years of age. Parents are assured this child cannot adapt.

That means, if parents attempt to get him to "adapt," they may run the risks of "breaking his spirit," "giving him a complex," or any number of perfectly horrible results. Parents are assured the little two-and-a-half-year-old toddler cannot possibly "give in" or "wait awhile." Therefore, the entire household often revolves around, waits on, is ordered according to, adapted to, and adjusted to the childish whims of a little toddling two-and-a-half-year-old baby.

What would a parent do if he had seriously followed these teachings in some of the following eventualities?

Suppose a little "eighteen-monther" was toddling off the curb, into the path of rumbling, swiftly moving traffic. If he is to be normally expected to "run the other way," if you don't dare command him to "Come here!" then what are you to do?

"Surround him with interesting objects" as the psychologists recommend? How? Is there time?

Do you merely accept the already quoted thought that the child simply "cannot wait awhile" and that he "seldom obeys any verbal command" and then resign yourself to his IMMEDIATE DEATH?

The authors continue:

"Second, he is extremely domineering and demanding. He must give the orders. He must make the decisions. If he decides 'mummy do,' daddy cannot be accepted as a substitute ... Two-and-a-half is an age of violent emotions. There is little modulation to the emotional life of the child at this age.

"Furthermore, it is an age of opposite extremes ... Total all these characteristics together and you have a child who is not easy to deal with. Vigorous, enthusiastic, energetic, the typical two-and-a-half may be. But he is not an easy person to have around the house. However, mothers will find that great patience, a real understanding of the difficulties of the age and a willingness to use endless techniques to get around rigidities and rituals and stubbornness will help get through the time till the difficult two-and-a-half turns three" (ibid., pp. 25-27).

Fantastic, isn't it? The little two-and-a-half-year-old is extremely domineering and demanding, and he must give the orders. HE must make the decisions for the family. If he decides that his mother should perform some task for him, he will not accept "daddy" as a substitute. Thus gullible parents are assured that these characteristics of a two-and-a-half-year-old child are just as sure, just as irrevocable as an approaching cold front out of the north. There is nothing they can do about it. It is just "that way."

Then, supposedly, he advances to the stage of 4 years, where he likes to hit, bite, throw rocks, break toys and run away. The 4-year-old, assured the doctor, is just normally expected to do these things, because, you see, he is four. He is not cowed by maternal threats and does not fear threats of punishment, but is defiant and swaggering.

And then, the incomprehensible suggestion is given by the learned doctor -- that parents must use "firm discipline." But what kind? How? And are results to be expected?

The doctor didn't say. But they went on, "The 6-year old often likes to say 'I'll kill you,' or 'I hate you.'" It is also, advises the doctor to bewildered parents, the age when he is most apt to cheat and steal.

But -- this isn't all!

By the time the child is 8, he is exuberant, expansive, cocky and rarely finishes anything he starts. At 9, he is independent and resists bossing, exploiting adults to get his own way, and uses neurotic excuses. At 10, he is suddenly "nice," said the doctor, but at 11 he is rude and argumentative, The doctor warned sagely against making demands on any 11-year-old.

At 13, they like to be left alone; at 14 they are "noisy," said the doctor, and at 15 they are "hard boiled" and practically secede from the family union.

But parents who are busily "sweating it out" are advised not to fear these awesome gyrations, neurotic tendencies, rages, psychotic behaviors, expressions of hatred and sudden disappearances of their growing progeny.

No, there will be a brighter day tomorrow. "And 16," said the doctor, "is really sweet 16." At last, according to THIS PARTICULAR pediatrician, your children are happy, friendly, good tempered, self-assured and "realize that Mom and Dad have finally learned something in the past few months."

Funny?

It would be, if it were not so piteous, so utterly shameful, and so terrifyingly damaging to the eager, pliable, growing minds of our youths.

Isn't it almost a complete insult to the intelligence of any normal-minded human being to accept and believe, let alone attempt to "practice" such methods of "child observance" (since it certainly cannot be called "child REARING")?

Can you see? Can you really comprehend what is behind this false concept?

Some behaviorists have merely put together the tendency toward rebellion in a child with his obviously increased energies, coordination, scope of activity, increased motor facility, longer reach, and growth in all physical capacities.

Obviously an untrained child of four will be getting into more trouble than an untrained child of one and one half. Obviously the eighteen-monther, who has not experienced proper child rearing principles, will not obey his parents' commands. The child psychologists can very safely predict these "behavior patterns" in untrained, somewhat rebellious, little children who have never really known proper and loving parental authority.

Yes, let's really look at what we've read -- let's really get PRACTICAL with it, and ask some truly basic questions. Isn't it pretty poor comfort to tell a parent with the little two-and-a-half-year-old already described that he should be willing to use "endless techniques" and develop "understanding" to help him survive the time until his little 2 1/2 year-old turns 3?

Apparently, my own children were so ignorant of these "stages" through which they have been growing they forgot to express the characteristics that these "stages" should have demanded of them! At any rate, our children, at the "stage" of "two-and-a-half" NEVER were domineering and demanding -- they NEVER tried to give orders -- they NEVER made the decisions -- they were NEVER given to temper tantrums -- they were decidedly flexible and not at all rigid. They were able to adapt to anything; they were able to give in constantly -- in fact, several times a day, and they were able to wait -- even days or months should that have been necessary. But more of this later.

Frequently, you hear of adults speaking of "getting unwound" by means of recreation or other activity. We talk of being "tense" or "high-strung" or "keyed-up." So far, so good. This, to a degree, is absolutely true.

Every adult, especially engaged in the type of occupation which demands high-tension mental concentration, needs a "change of pace" once in awhile -- to "unwind." But wouldn't it be a strange society if the adults were given to weird emotional outbursts, in which they seized a gun, shot down five or six helpless bystanders, cudgeled a policeman to death, and then, their feelings assuaged, lapsed into their ordinary and daily routine? A ridiculous suggestion -- to say the least. And yet, this is the exact advocation of some who would assure you they are foremost authorities on how to rear children.

It is reasoned that children also need to "unwind." But, since their minds are not yet intelligent enough to lead them into other recreational activities or diversions, they oftentimes throw a "temper tantrum." This, some child psychologists assure you, is merely a method of "letting off steam" and should be patiently ignored by the parent.

"Anger and resistance are the natural responses to being blocked. Children show this by having temper tantrums when they have to be interrupted to be washed, dressed, or taken to the toilet. They burst out if they are interfered with at play. Hunger and fatigue are other kinds of thwarting situations that produce anger" ("The Complete Book of Mothercraft", p. 356, Parents Institute).

Yes, anger and resistance are the natural responses to being blocked. But simply because they are the "natural" responses to authority does not make them right.

"At about the age of two, children show anger more often than they are likely to when they are older ... If we can somehow interest him in the new thing we want him to do, we may avoid a scene ... A negative reaction to commands at this age is so common that the foresighted mother tries to avoid conflict by giving as few orders as possible and making requests instead" (ibid., pp. 356-357).

How does a parent in a restaurant, or in a public market or shop, really put these empty theories into practice? How would you apply this suggestion in the following circumstance?

You are in a nice restaurant with your wife and children. Johnny, aged 2 1/2, becomes angry at the food you've chosen for him. While you are trying to politely give the waitress your order, Johnnie begins to scream with anger. He shouts, at the top of his high-pitched voice, "No! No! No! I don't want that!" and, throwing himself to the floor, begins to kick, cry and scream in a frenzy of unbridled emotion.

Do the parents merely calmly smile, placidly ignore Johnnie, and go right on ordering?

If they should -- I doubt if the owner of the restaurant would permit them to remain in his place of business. Well, then, do they "somehow interest him in the new thing" they want him to do, and "avoid a scene"? Not really very practical, is it? Here again, the authors assure us a negative reaction to commands is common at this particular age.

This is true -- only if the child has not been trained correctly from infancy. It is true only if the parents have not had right and correct discipline, have not known how to rear their children properly, but have merely been "observing their children growing up" instead of really actively rearing them. Otherwise, IF the child of two years of age has been trained, has been shown the proper and deep love, consideration and care, but at the same time has had authoritative discipline given from love, and in love, he will not burst into anger and shout "no!" at his parents. I have had the living proof of this fact in my own home!

"It has already been pointed out that a child between the ages of 18 months and three years tends to say 'no' to every suggestion. If he is not constantly being given directions and commands he has less chance to build up this habit of balkiness.

"If parents could only train themselves not to be shocked when their young children express their anger by saying 'I hate you' or by calling them names, they would improve their relations with their children. The average father and mother have forgotten the feelings of resentment they had in early life toward their own parents ... A child drains off his resentment if he is allowed to express it ... if he is made to feel guilty over these natural reactions, if he has to suppress them or be punished, his feelings may be in a turmoil! But if his parents can say to his expressions of hate, 'Of course you feel that way. I used to, too, when someone made me do something,' he doesn't STORE UP guilt over his conflicting feelings about his father and mother" (ibid., p. 359).

Does a child really "let off steam" and "drain off his resentment" if he is allowed to express it?

Let's understand! Some child psychologists have followed the theory that human emotions are much like compressing air in a bottle. The more it is compressed, the more resistance it has against the cap. Just like a pressure cooker, or a boiling pot of water on the stove, they theorize, resentment and rebellion, building up within the child, need to "explode." A child, they say, needs to "let off steam" every now and then! Actually, the child psychologists are in total error.

The child who is supposedly allowed to "drain off his resentment" in this fashion is the child who could well be opening up his mind to extremely SERIOUS consequences. Such a child will very definitely build a HABIT of rebellion toward authority, disobedience, temper tantrums, and hatred. The thought of allowing a tiny toddling boy of barely over two years of age to shout and scream at his own parents, "I hate you!" is shocking to think about. Will that same child at twelve pick up a knife and kill his parents? It does happen -- and all too often.

"The mother who says she cannot ignore a screaming, kicking youngster usually means she has not found out how to use ignoring as a constructive method. Leaving him and going about her business may work better than she thinks it will. The minute he hasn't an audience his pleasure in the performance begins to die down. Naturally, if she herself is so angered by his temper that her attitude in ignoring him is hateful, ignoring will only cause him to feel more hostile. But if she can treat his anger as not too serious a matter, if she is prepared for it just as she is prepared for other primitive ways of acting in early childhood, like eating with fingers, it will be more likely to subside" (ibid., p. 358).

Parents are told this is merely a phase through which the child is passing, and he will soon get over it all.

"In most families the phase in which tantrums are most likely to occur passes and is forgotten. If tantrums are continuous, however, or recur past the age of five, they may be a signal to seek help from a child-guidance counselor equipped to discover underlying causes" (Sidonie Matsner Gruenberg, editor, "The Encyclopedia of Childcare and Guidance", Garden City, New York, Doubleday, 1963, pp. 548-549).

"... We see that the baby protests against unpleasant experiences by crying. These responses may be considered as emanating from the instinct of self-preservation.

"The response ... continues throughout life. This crying of the baby becomes the temper tantrum of the older child and a part of the life-long fight for independence. As such it represents one of the strongest impulses responsible for human behavior" (Beverly, "In Defense of Children", p. 28).

This very aptly titled book assures parents temper tantrums are nothing more than the natural outgrowth of the first wails of a tiny baby, expressing his need for "independence."

These theories are simply untrue. Temper tantrums show a complete lack of self-discipline -- and far from being merely a stage through which the child is growing, are gravely serious warning signs of a child totally lacking in self-control. It is just such teachings as these that have led thousands of children past the bars of justice across our land, and have made hopeless emotional wrecks out of uncounted millions of others.

Rather than going through a "stage" of child development, which they will grow out of, children allowed to express rage at their parents are building a natural habit of hatred!

Now notice a refreshingly sound quotation for a change:

"Let us -- parents, teachers, and all others having to do with the training of youth -- see to it that adolescents acquire SELF-CONTROL. Let us save them from the injurious effects of this new-fangled idea that young people can grow up to do as they please. Confusion worse confounded will be the state of the next generation if it is generally accepted. If you, as a parent, have done your duty in the nursery and during the pre-adolescent period, I assure you the days of actual punishment will be over long ere your youngsters reach their teens. But if for any reason you have failed in the earlier years, and your children have attained adolescence without learning self-control, then I admonish you not to depend exclusively upon these newfangled psychologic notions or on any fantastic interpretation of Freudian philosophy, to refrain from chastisement through fear that your children will not develop leadership. Leadership -- bah! Who wants a boy to grow up to be a leader of a criminal gang? Indeed, if we go on after this fashion, we can truly say 'what price leadership!'" (Sadler, "Piloting Modern Youth", p. 141).

Sound advice, indeed. Read it again.

Many and varied are the mythical phases of childhood. If you want to rear a child who will defy every supposed "stage" through which he is obligated to grow, simply rear him properly. He will not throw things at one, kick you at one-and-a-half, scream "no!" at two, throw temper tantrums at two-and-a-half, bite the neighbor's children at three, run away from home at three-and-a- half, be overbold at four, or neurotic at five! Rather, at all these ages, he will be basically lovable, obedient, helpful, self-reliant, respectful toward authority.